


the realities between us

by deargalileo



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Ghost Hunters, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Not Beta Read, Pining, camera crew who? i dont know them, how did this get to be so long, i spent literally a month on it jeez
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 19:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deargalileo/pseuds/deargalileo
Summary: when filming for a episode of Unsolved goes wrong, ryan is forced to face the reality of life, death, and his feelings for his best friend.





	the realities between us

_ From the shadows, a figure watched as a car pulled up to the side of the road. Two men came out- one short black haired man, and a tall blond man. She watched as the two pulled cameras out of the vehicle, and started to head inside. Even with the floor in between them, she could still feel their emotions- anticipation, maybe even fear.  _

_ Love.  _

_ With a smirk, she silently went down to the lower level. After watching the strange duo set up cameras and lights, she was able to make her decision. It wasn’t hard to see how the shorter one stared at the taller one, the way that his gaze lingered. It wasn’t hard to see how the taller one didn’t notice.  _

_ The game had begun. _

~*~

Ryan shifted nervously, watching Shane pull up two bar stools. He was uneasy, of course he was, but there was a new feeling- not a good one. The tension in the air was much thicker, and Ryan kept feeling like someone was just- just right there, right behind him. It had never felt like this before. The two of them had been to many haunted places now- more than Ryan could count- but this was different. To keep his mind off of it, Ryan walked over and helped set up the cameras, fiddling with the buttons. 

“Hey,” Shane called. Ryan jerked his head up to catch Shane’s soft, joking gaze, the one that could melt hearts of ice. “Do you think they will let us get free drinks if we like, get rid of a ghost?” Shane stretched over the bar, looking at the large variety of alcohol. Ryan snorted, and checked one last time to make sure that they would be in frame. “We should at least get one free drink- or  _ something. _ ” 

“Let’s just get this over with,” Ryan responded, finally heading over to take the seat next to the taller man. “So I can go home and drink to forget everything about this spooky place.” It was now Shane’s turn to snort, a small, unexpected bubble of laughter with ended as soon as it started. Ryan tried to ignore the way his heart seemed to swell with happiness at the noise, the way his heart seemed to beat so much faster with an emotion that Ryan dared not to name. 

“Spooky? I can’t even bring myself to call this place erie. Ryan, it’s a bar in the middle of a busy city. I can hear the cars from outside pass by. No scary atmosphere here at all. This looks like it would be a fun place to be when it is actually open. Plus, it’s not even dark out yet” 

“Just wait until you hear the history behind this place,” Ryan tried to say mysteriously, but it only resulted in Shane giving him that stupid smirk again, the one that screamed ‘ _ Yeah, right _ ’ but also ‘ _ I am an attractive asshole who spends my time not believing in ghosts and making Ryan Bergara’s life a living hell’ _ . “Is your mic on?” This place was seriously freaking him out. This for sure was not the scariest place they had visited- others had more morbid backstories, but there was something about this place. Every bit of common sense in his mind was screaming at him to get out of there, to leave, but they had a show to record. Shane nodded, tapping the small microphone on his shirt gently.

“Yup. Ready to hear about some spooky drunk ghosts!” Shane’s face lit up. “Do you think ghosts can get drunk? Now that is something I would like to see.”

Ryan chose to ignore Shane, to ignore the way his chest felt when Shane smiled. He pulled out the file that held all of the information that he had on the bar. Just as he was about to start the intro, there was a small  _ clack  _ noise that came from behind the bar. Ryan let out a yelp, the papers flying out of his hand. He scrambled to get up from the bar stool, and turned to face Shane. 

“Don’t tell me that you didn’t hear that.” Shane only shrugged. 

“There is a lot of glassware behind us. Gravity sometimes shift things. When glass hits each other, it makes a noise.” Ryan scanned the bar for any signs of… Anything. He wasn’t quite sure. Ryan hadn’t looked closely enough at the glasses beforehand to notice what had moved. As he dragged his eyes across the bottles of alcohol next, Ryan was just about to give up and sit back down until a small movement caught his eye. 

It was a bottle of whiskey, and it’s liquid contents where splashing side to side, like someone had picked up and put down the bottle almost violently. 

“Shane…” The name left Ryan’s lips unbidden, as he felt true genuine fear creep into the base of his spine and slowly climb up. None of the other bottles were shaking like that. They were all perfectly still, except for the whiskey bottle. 

“Jus’ a minute,” Shane mumbled as he tried to focus the cameras. 

By the time that Shane had finally looked at Ryan, the shaking had lessened. Now, the whiskey inside the bottle was hardly moving, the rocking waves barely noticeable. “What should I be looking at? Is a ghostie pouring themselves a drink?” At Shane’s voice, Ryan finally pulled his eyes away from the bottle and looked warily around them before letting his eyes rest on the blond man. Ryan briefly wondered if trying to convince Shane of what he saw was worth it. Might as well save the battles for when they were filming. 

Ryan tried to shrug the anxiety off, shaking his head and crouching down so he could pick up the papers. “I have a bad feeling about this place,” Ryan mumbled to the floor more than to Shane. Shane still heard him and took a drink out of his bottle. 

“You say that about every place.” 

Ryan was quick to mumble a soft “shut up, Shane” as he finally took a seat next to Shane. Taking a deep breath, Ryan faced the camera, and started. 

“This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we are here at Kells Irish Pub in Seattle as part of our ongoing investigation into the question -  _ are ghosts real _ ?” Ryan didn’t bother looking over to see Shane shaking his head at the camera. “As usual, Kells Irish Pub has quite the gruesome history, making it one of the most haunted bars in America.” 

“I’m ready to see some drunk ghosts.” Shane gasped, his eyes lighting up. “Hey, we came here looking for ghosts, but we might walk away only have seen spirits.” He snickered at his own joke. “Like spirits?” 

Ryan had to fight a smile- not at the joke, the joke was awful- at Shane’s enthusiasm. As another shiver went down Ryan’s spine, he forced himself to keep going. 

“Ignoring that, let’s get right into it.” Ryan took a deep breath and opened the file. 

The next half hour was spent with Ryan explaining the rather gruesome history of the bar. The building itself was built in the early 1900s. In 1910, due to the insanely high number of death in Seattle from disease, mining accidents and murders, it became a mortuary. The man who ran it (E.R Butterworth) was more into the money than anything else, and neglected to properly take care of the bodies, or even look to see how they were killed. Back then, because of the high number of dead bodies, people would be paid $50 to bring in a body. It is rumored that Butterworth was working with a woman called Dr. Linda Hazzard. (At this point, Shane snorted very loudly, but didn’t make a joke about it). Dr. Hazzard would perform extreme treatments on people such as starving them to cure them of disease. She would have gotten money for giving the bodies to Butterworth, and he would have taken half of the cut. It would have been a gruesome partnership. 

Ryan was getting increasingly more on edge the more he talked about it, so he decided to wrap things up. There were more things to talk about, such as the two sisters who came to Seattle from Canada for what they called the “beautiful treatment” and ended up being two of the most infamous patients from Doctor Hazzard. When he opened his mouth to talk about the sisters, something held him back- like the words wouldn’t come out. 

It was so unnerving that Ryan decided to just talk about it later, or not at all. Shane was making things easier, interjecting a few jokes into Ryan’s story, but still there was something-  _ something right there out of the corner of Ryan’s eye _ \- that felt certainly out of place. 

“So, in 1983, when renovators came to start preparing the building for the new bar that was coming in, they often reported chills, and strange feelings. One of them even got a photo of what looks to be a man-” Ryan held out the photo so Shane could see, “-with a white face, black eyes and a stitched mouth.” 

This caused Shane to laugh even more. “That looks nothing like a man. It looks like Jerry left his power tools in the room on accident- I-” Shane was laughing too hard to continue, and since his laughter was contagious, Ryan started to laugh as well.

“Jerry?” Ryan managed to wheeze out. Shane shrugged, looked at the photo again, and burst into another round of laughter. 

“I don’t fuckin’ know, what are contractors usually named? I mean, how can you look at that and see a man? That looks nothing like a man.” 

“I will admit, that it does not look like a man-” Ryan tries to continue over Shane’s noises of celebration. “-but- But! That does not look like a power tool. And doesn’t it at least creep you out, thinking about how this photo was taken only in the next room over?” When Shane’s only response was to try and get his own laughing under control, Ryan took the photo and put it back in the folder. “Whatever- can we just check this place out so we can go home?” 

Shane had finally stopped laughing (Ryan’s heart had stopped beating so goddamn hard), and nodded, getting off of the barstool. 

It took them a little bit to get all of the cameras situated, but soon enough Shane was leading Ryan through the bar, and past the back door. From there, it led to a staircase that went both to an upper floor that was used for storage, and a basement. The room that they were in now was an sparsely filled room, only with the staircases to fill it. 

“We got to get the spooks in,” Shane commented, and gestured to the basement staircase. 

All of the hair on Ryan’s neck stood up at once.  _ Someone else is here.  _ He whipped around, forgetting about the camera in his hand, trying to see what was behind him because there most certainly was someone behind him. 

“Jesus, Ryan,” Shane chuckled when Ryan nearly smashed the camera and his hand against the wall. “You okay?” 

No one was there, not even a slight movement in the dark room that the two were standing in. Ryan resisted the urge to let out a frustrated sigh, and instead turned slowly back to Shane, hitting the button on his camera, not wanting to have to sift through footage of himself freaking out (Unfortunately, Shane still had his camera).

“You didn’t feel that?” 

“Feel what?” God, he was infuriating and he didn’t even know it. 

“T-this!” Ryan struggled to find words that he could use to show Shane how unsettled he felt.  _ It feels like someone is setting my stomach on fire,  _ or,  _ it’s like I am surrounded by a million yous, who are all laughing and making that stupid smile, all so beautifully and horribly oblivious to the way that you make me feel,  _ or _ , I feel like there is a fucking spirit-ghost-demonic thing in this building and I am pretty sure it wants to kill me.  _

Naturally, Ryan decided to go with the last option. Shane watched (and filmed) with interest as Ryan babbled on. 

Ryan wasn’t a babbler. He didn’t ramble, and he generally was good with his words. Of course, Shane Madej himself was the one who always complicated Ryan’s words. Somewhere in between forming proper words and Shane’s presence, Ryan’s mind gets mixed up. Now, add that to the actual, pure, legitimate terror that was creeping into Ryan’s body, and you get a bunch of illegitimate crap spewing from Ryan’s mouth. 

“There was a- a- something,  _ I don’t know, _ behind me, and then there was the whiskey that was shaking, and I just can’t shake the feeling that there is actually  _ something here _ .” Ryan could feel the anxiety creeping up on him. “It feels like it is some fucking- demon- ghost-”

They had been to scary places before- god, Ryan wouldn’t even put this Kells in the top five creepiest places- but there was something about this place. Ryan had the awful feeling that they shouldn’t be here. This didn’t make sense- Kells was a successful bar, and if everyone who came here felt the way that Ryan was feeling then the bar would have closed long ago. Ryan sure as hell would never come to a place to drink if he felt like this. 

And Shane seemed so unaffected by this all, like he didn’t feel it. Even though he insists that the supernatural isn’t real, there was no way that he did not feel this. 

As Ryan babbled on, Shane finally seemed to get the hint that something was actually wrong, and that Ryan wasn’t just being dramatic, he pressed the button his his camera, turning it off and lowering it before taking a few steps towards Ryan. 

“Ry?” The nickname made stardust explode in Ryan’s blood, in his veins, in his heart, but he couldn’t think of that right now. “Hey, hey, breathe.” Shane inhaled deeply and dramatically, raising his hands with the inhale of the old, musty air, and lowering them as Shane breathed out. Ryan shut his mouth, preventing himself from speaking any more nonsense, and instead focused on watching Shane’s chest rise and fall. Without thinking about it, Ryan started to take deep breaths in turn with Shane, and the two stood there, breathing. 

Once his heart had stopped beating so quickly, Ryan felt the wave of shame. He stepped back, rubbing his face with his hand. 

“I- I didn’t-” He was stammering, his face burning only to have Shane brush off his apologies. 

“Don’t apologize. Do you want to leave? If something is seriously freaking you out we can go,” Shane’s words were drenched in sympathy, and concern- for good reason too. Ryan had gotten scared at places before, but never like this. 

Ryan took another sweeping glance around the room. While the feeling like someone else was there wasn’t gone, it seemed more manageable. They could keep going- they  _ had  _ to keep going. They needed the footage, and enough so they could get a full episode without putting in that mortifying melt down. 

“Let’s just go,” Ryan says, shifting his body weight from foot to foot. The eeriness of the place mixed with the way that Shane was looking at him made Ryan just want to get the footage and  _ leave.  _

“O-kay,” Shane uncertainty stretched out the word, but turned the camera back on. “Let’s go upstairs first.” Ryan turned his own camera on, and cautiously followed the taller man up the stairs. 

It wasn’t like they were in some old abandoned house- this building was used every day, so everything was up to code and safe, but that didn’t stop Ryan from flinching when a step would creak or when Shane would stumble a little over a step (curse his stupid, tall genes). 

When they had reached the top floor, Shane and Ryan explored. Ryan was on extreme edge, and was flinching every little sound. Shane noticed this, and stayed close, a constant literally looming presence over Ryan. Ryan had yet to decide if that was comforting or making him more nervous. Eventually Shane moved away, exploring other areas of the room. 

The banter was limited between the two, but Ryan could only pray that the video would come out well. 

_ The video, the video, the video.  _ That was the only fucking reason that Ryan was still here, and not hightailing it back to California, back to his apartment where he can drink away the memories of this horrible place.

Ryan felt something poking at his head, shifting his hair. “Stop it, Shane,” Ryan mumbled, not bothering to turn around. 

“What was that?” Shane responded from the other side of the room. Ryan felt his eyes go wide as he moved to face Shane. 

Shane was on the other side of the room. There was no way that Shane could have touched his head, and made it across the room without making a single noise. 

“N-nothing. I-uh- I just thought I felt something.” Ryan stuttered, slowly turning back to the other side of the room. There wasn’t much to explore, it was only one room that was kept pretty clean. There were shelves filled with various cooking supplies and tools, but nothing too scary.  

“Probably just the air conditioning coming on,” Shane said.

There was more poking at his head, only this time it felt like a pressure, like someone was pushing into his head with freezing cold hands. Ryan could feel his hands start to shake because he could  _ hear  _ Shane on the other side of the room, talking to the camera. 

“We could try the flashlight thing downstairs,” Shane commented offhandedly, unknowingly breaking into Ryan’s state of terror. The pressure stopped almost the moment that Shane spoke. When the dark haired man turned to look at him, Shane was rummaging through a basket, filming the various empty beer bottles that were in there. “Doesn’t seem to be much ghostie activity here.” 

_ Downstairs- the basement.  _ There was nothing that Ryan could do to stop the chill going down his spine, but he mustered up a brave face. 

“S-Sure, yeah.” Ryan, in order to cover up his stumble over words turned around, and nearly tripped over a crate of what seemed to be bar peanuts. “Shit!” He exclaimed, holding out his hands. 

Before he could hit the ground, much larger hands swiftly reached around his torso and caught him. Ryan made an embarrassing ‘oof’ sound as Shane steadied him on his feet again. 

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, his eyes filled with concern. Ryan nodded breathlessly. Ryan, are you sure? We can leave now, make a short video with the footage that we have. I can add in a bunch of filler jokes to add length. You don’t seem steady on your feet- Let’s just head back to the hotel-” Shane turned around, heading for the door, ready to leave Kells if Ryan said the word. 

“No!” Ryan cut in. “I can do this. I’m sor-” 

“Don’t apologize.” 

“-But I can do this. We just need to go downstairs for thirty minutes, tops, to get the shots we need, then leave. I can just sleep all of this off.” Before Shane could object (he was about to- Ryan could see the look in his eyes), Ryan darted in front of Shane and started to head back down the stairs.

“Ry- wait-” Shane clambered after him, and the two went down the stairs.  Ryan passed through the main floor without thinking about it, and turned to go down the stairs that led to the basement. “Ryan!” Shane’s voice only spurred Ryan to move faster, his feet hardly touching the floor. “Slow down!”

Ryan knew that he was acting irrationally, but he couldn’t control it. Someone else was in his mind, telling him that he needed to keep going faster, that he needed to keep moving. It almost felt like something was pushing him forward, something was knocking his balance off and if he didn’t slow down, Ryan was going to-

Two cold spots pressed against Ryan’s back, pushing him even more. He missed a step at the bottom of the staircase, his foot hitting the floor hard. Ryan tumbled forward, only seeing the small coffee table that his body was headed for at the last moment. Things seemed to slow down for these few seconds. 

Anticipating a painful impact, Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, and started to raise his arms to cover his head. He knew that he wouldn’t be fast enough, and he uselessly hoped that the camera wouldn’t get damaged in the fall.   

The last thing Ryan heard before he hit the ground, before his head hit the corner of the coffee table, was the strangled cry of Shane behind him. 

~*~

With a wave of warmth, and awareness, Ryan woke up. He rolled over onto his stomach, taking his time waking up. The blankets around him were warm, but not uncomfortably so. 

“God, that was fucking weird dream,” Ryan mumbled, trying to remember what all had happened. Him and Shane were in a bar? Or something like that- they were filming an episode for Unsolved. 

The only clear thing from the dream was the two cold hands that pressed firmly against his back, the hands that caused his fall and his inevitable dream-world pain. 

A thought occurred to Ryan, making a smirk pull up the corners of his lips.  _   
_ _ What if Shane had pushed me down? _ Seeing how it was all just a dream, it seemed plausible, even though in real life Shane’s hands were warm and much larger. 

Ryan finally sat up in his bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. It was Saturday, thank god, and he had no plans for the day. After Buzzfeed Unsolved had blown up, him and Shane had been working practically non-stop. This day off is much deserved, and will be spent not thinking about work at all today. 

After savouring the warmth of the bed, Ryan stretched his legs, and climbed out of bed. There were a few piles of clothes on the floor-  _ they should clean the apartment today _ \- that Ryan had to step over on his way to the closet. He pulled out a t-shirt and sweatpants, glancing at the clock. 

It was 8:30 in the morning, which was early enough to still go for a morning run if he wanted (he did not want to), but he also felt like he had gotten a full night’s sleep. Ryan’s stomach grumbled noisily, making him smile again, and headed out of the bedroom and into the hallway. He could hear noise coming from the kitchen, so Ryan quickened his pace. 

In the kitchen, Ryan was greeted by the sight of his shirtless boyfriend, who was standing next to the stove and cooking something in a pan. If Ryan was right, it smelled a lot like-

“Pancakes!” Ryan realized happily. Shane turned around at the sound of Ryan’s voice, and smiled gently. 

“Morning, babe. Thought I would surprise you on our day off.” Ryan hummed happily, making his way over to Shane. Taking his time, Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane’s waist and kissed him tenderly. They only pulled away when the pancakes behind them started to make noise, signifying that they were getting close to needing to be flipped. Ryan didn’t let go of Shane when he turned, opting to keep his arms around the taller man’s waist, and gently pressed his cheek up against Shane’s back. 

“Isn’t it kind of sad that we are excited to have a day off? Even though it is a Saturday, and we should have Saturdays off normally?” Shane spoke, flipping the pancakes. 

“Unsolved has taken off in a way that we never expected. I mean, we wanted it to go big, but we never thought it would go this big.” Ryan started to respond. “But that’s a good thing. We have a great fanbase, and what we do is fun-” 

“Plus, we have pretty much secured our jobs at Buzzfeed for the next year or so,” Shane cut in, his short laugh shaking his body so Ryan could feel it. Ryan smiled too, tiredness still creeping back in. He forced himself to untangle from his boyfriend so Shane could actually cook, and so Ryan could sit down and admire the view. 

“Where do you think we will go next for Unsolved? I want to go to some-” Shane was talking, but Ryan was distracted by a movement from the corner of his eye. It was just a black blur, there one second, and when Ryan blinked, it was gone. 

Ryan turned around and scanned the room. Nothing was out of place- it must have just been something in his eye. 

“Hey, I had a weird dream last night-” Ryan started, turning back around to Shane. Shane still had his back to him, and was reaching for the plates. At the start of his sentence, Shane turned his head, intrigued. 

“Yeah? Was I in it?” Ryan snorted.

“You were, actually.” Shane had turned back around, and was sliding some pancakes onto a plate, but Ryan knew that he was still listening. “But we weren’t a couple. I think I liked you, or something like that-” 

Shane spun around holding a plate, and slid it in front of Ryan. He grabbed a bottle of syrup and let Ryan grab a fork. 

“Bon appetit- so you had a crush on me? Even in your dream?” Shane’s eyes were dancing with laughter. “Aw.” 

Ryan busied himself with cutting his pancake into pieces so he didn’t have to look at his smirking boyfriend. “Weren’t you the one to ask me out first?” 

“Only because I knew you weren’t going to ask me first.” Ryan raised an eyebrow at that statement. 

“That was the only reason? Because, I remember you telling me that night that I-” 

Shane cut Ryan off by waving the spatula in the air. 

“That is irrelevant. You are getting off topic.” Ryan considered pointing out that  _ Shane  _ was the one who got them off topic in the first place, but continued on with his story. 

“But it was like present day, so it didn’t take place before we got together. I knew that because we were filming for Unsolved.” Shane now got his own plate out and put a pancake on it. “We were filming at this bar, in Seattle. I don’t remember what it was called,” Ryan took a bite of the pancake, chewing thoughtfully. “And there was a spirit there-” Ryan had to speak louder to be heard over Shane’s laughter. “No, there really was, and I was freaking out I think. At the end, we were going down to the basement, and I was pushed-” 

“Did I push you?” 

“No! At least, I don’t think so.” Ryan fell silent as he tried to recall as much of his dream as he could. There was no way that it was Shane who had pushed him, even though, it  _ was  _ just a dream, so anything could have happened. 

“Weird dream. It makes sense that I am still the devilishly handsome man who haunts your dreams.” 

“You are the devil, that’s one thing you got right,” Ryan mumbled. 

“Hey! I am being the perfectly good boyfriend right now, letting you sleep in, and making you pancakes.” Shane insisted. Ryan rolled his eyes, but got up from his seat. He walked over to Shane and pressed a chaste kiss to the crown of Ryan’s head. 

“Yes, you are. Thank you.” 

“What are our plans for our wondrous, but rare day off?” Shane asked. Ryan shrugged, looking out the window. It had taken them almost a month, but they had the perfect apartment to move into. Both of them knew that they wanted to live together, but to find a place that was nice, but they could afford, not to mention one that had requirements that the two wanted? That was a challenge. 

_ The struggle was worth it _ , Ryan thought as he looked out the window. The view consisted of overlooking some of the Pacific Ocean, but they could also see the boardwalks. It was all just a walking distance away, and the two had utilized that very well, frequently having dates out on the pier. 

“Some of our co-workers invited us out to dinner tonight, or at least for drinks.” Shane snorted. 

“‘Some of our co-workers’?” He mimicked, grinning. “I can see you put a lot of care into remembering this invitation.” 

“I just don’t want to go!” Ryan protested. “I don’t want to even think about work today. Buzzfeed who? What are ghosts?” 

Shane laughed loudly, making Ryan grin. Even after nearly four years of being together, Ryan was more in love than before, if that was even possible. The taller man got up from his chair, and started to clean the kitchen. “So is that a vote for staying home and watching Netflix all day?” 

“Sounds perfect.” Ryan leaned over, and gave Shane a more lasting kiss. Shane happily leaned in, forgetting his current task. 

The rest of the day was spent in a similar fashion, the two lounging on the couch, and ordering take out. After dinner, Shane wanted to sit out on the balcony, so they did, beers in hand. 

“I love you,” Shane’s voice was soft, and when Ryan turned to face him, Shane was staring at the sky. 

Ryan reached across and gently grabbed Shane’s hand. 

“I love you too.” 

_ This is peace _ , Ryan realized.  _ I am perfectly content with who I am, the things I do, and the people I love. This is the perfect world, the perfect reality.  _ He smiled to himself, but with that train of thought, something else occurred to him.

“Do you believe in alternative realities?” Shane looked at him confused, so he rushed to explain. “Like, there are an infinite amount of different worlds, different universes. One where we had to work today. One where my name was Derek.” Shane laughed softly, but not enough to stop Ryan, so he continued. “One where we aren’t a couple, or  one where we never met.” 

The silence that followed hung heavily in the air. 

“I kind of hope not.” Shane spoke after a few moments. “I don’t want there to be a world where I am not with you, as cheesy as that is.” Ryan could feel his whole heart, his soul melting. 

“Me too. This universe is all that I need.” Ryan agreed. It was only when Shane stood up, rubbing his eyes, that Ryan realized how late it was. The sky above them was completely dark, and it was starting to get cool. 

“I am going to head to bed. You coming?” Ryan stood up and pressed a kiss to Shane’s cheek. 

“Not just yet.” Something was holding him back, some little part of his mind was telling him to stay out just for a few minutes longer. “Be in soon.” Shane smiled gently, and nodded. He then slipped through the door, and walked out of Ryan’s sight. 

Ryan settled back into the chair, taking the last sip of his beer. 

“You should.” 

The voice that came from next to Ryan was very much not Shane’s voice. 

“Jesusfuckingchristohmygod-” Ryan dropped the beer bottle, and it thankfully didn’t shatter on the floor. Ryan couldn’t have cared less about the bottle at the moment, because there was a fucking ghost right next to him. 

It-she-whatever was a ghost, and it was sitting right next to him, sitting casually in the seat where Shane had sat only minutes ago. Ryan opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out, only a horrified strangled noise. 

“Shane isn’t going to hear you.” The spirit settled down in the chair, and smiled smugly. She was wearing very old clothing- a musty old dress and corset. It was all elegant, but hung loosely on her frame. She looked like she came right from the 1900s- and if she was a ghost, she probably did. “But as I was saying, you should believe in multiple realities. That’s a good thing to keep in mind, some people might call it foreshadowing.” 

Ryan couldn’t focus on whatever she was saying, terrified by her existence, and her appearance. The most horrifying thing about her was the way that her dress didn’t fit properly, the way that her hair was falling out, and her cheeks were sunk in. The most terrifying thing about her was how Ryan recognized her. 

“Claire Williamson,” The name left Ryan’s mouth in a whisper. She- the ghost- Claire- smiled. “You- you died-” 

“Because of the beautiful treatment,” She confirmed. “But, Ryan, you never researched me, remember? You never learned about me because you never went to Kells-” Her voice turned mocking, sweet honey satire dripping off of her every word. “So Ryan, how ever did you learn about me?”

An awful chill went down Ryan’s spine. She was right- the only time that he had ever been to Kells Pub was in his dream last night- 

Claire laughed, her eyes filled with mirth and malicious intent. “This can’t be that hard to figure out. Ryan, none of this is real!” Claire started to laugh again, and Ryan briefly wondered if Shane could hear her, and he would come out. Maybe this was all some weird type of dream, he must have fallen asleep outside after Shane went inside, and none of this was real, it was just a dream. 

“You got it right! Well, kinda. Let’s start from the beginning, because you obviously are not understanding it. What do you remember about me?” Claire giggled again, and shifted in her seat. Ryan watched as she moved only slightly, but she grimaced, like she was in pain.

“Your name is Claire Williamson... Your sister’s name was Dora-” At the mention of her sister, Claire frowned. There was almost a physical feel to the switch in the mood, like tension. 

“This isn’t about her. This is about you and me, Ry-bear.” Ryan shuddered away from the pet name, and pushed back further into his chair when Claire tried to reach out to him. Her arm did not make it close enough to him, because once she moved it higher than her waist, another flash of pain ran through her face and she dropped it.  _ Apparently ghosts can feel pain.  _

“You both went to go receive treatment from doctor Linda Hazzard for small ailments, like a swollen throat. Her sanitorium wasn’t finished, so she had you both sign over most of your money, and the rights to you estate, and moved you to Capitol Hill in Seattle.” Claire looked proud, hearing her history repeated back to her. 

“It wasn’t what I had expected, but it was the best decision I had ever made.” 

“Dr. Hazzard put you on her diet immediately. Only two cups of broth a day. And you lived like that, you and your sister. When the doctor moved you into her home, you both weighed around 70 pounds each.” 

“I had never felt better,” Claire insisted. 

“Then… You died. You were only 60 pounds, and Dora was around 50.” Ryan finished lamely. “Your childhood nurse and uncle managed to pay Dr. Hazzard to let your sister go, and took her down to Or-” 

Claire waved a hand dismissively. “Stop right there. I don’t care about her. I care about you, Ry. That is why I am here.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Oh, Ryan,” Claire made a sympathetic face which only made Ryan feel worse. None of this was real, this was only a dream- he moved his hand over to his arm and pinched hard, trying to wake himself up. Nothing happened, except for him leaving an indent on his own arm. “Don’t you get it yet? I’m giving you the second chance that you always wanted! I created this whole new reality for you-  _ just for you _ ! Just so you could be happy here, with the love of your life.”

“What?” 

Claire sighed, but continued. “This isn’t your reality. In your actual reality, you went to the bar where my soul is stuck, and I decided to have some fun with you. It wasn’t that hard, your hopes and desires were pretty obvious. Once I was able to get rid of your conscious mind in that reality-” 

“You did  _ what _ ?!” Ryan was two seconds away from melting. To recap, there was a mother fucking  _ ghost  _ in front of him, who was telling him that this perfect life that he has been leading wasn’t real. And that this weird fucking dream that he had last night was his actual reality.

“Oh, relax. I just knocked you out. Remember when you hit your head? That was me, simply giving you a little push-” Claire giggled. “To this reality.” 

“What is happening in reality right now?” Claire frowned briefly, but didn’t object to the question. 

“Do you want to see?” 

“What do you-” 

“Close your eyes.” Ryan reluctantly did, and sat back in his seat. 

The moment that his eyes closed, he was somewhere else.  _ It was the basement of Kells _ , Ryan realized. Everything was hazy for a second, like he had just woken up and still hadn’t put his contacts in- that is, it was hazy until he heard Shane. 

“Ryan!” With a flash of clarity, Ryan’s vision became cleared and he saw his own body crumbled on the floor, blood already starting to pool. He had hit his head on the corner of the coffee table, Ryan remembered. “Shit, fuck, Ryan!” Like a bolt of lightning, Shane ran down the rest of the stairs, and swooped down. He gingerly picked up Ryan’s head, trying to find the source of the bleeding. “Ryan, no, don’t close your eyes-” Shane hissed. “ _ Fuck. _ ” He ripped the camera off of Ryan’s unconscious body, and then as gently as he could, turned Ryan’s body so he was laying on his back. “Ry, please, wake up, open your eyes-” Things went hazy again.

Ryan’s eyes snapped open. He half expected to be back in his real body instead of watching the scene play out, but he was still on the balcony. The same stars were out, the moon was in the same place, the breeze felt the same. And Claire was still next to him. 

“You are crying,” Claire observed. Ryan touched a hand to his face- she was right. She was right about everything- this wasn’t his real world, this wasn’t his reality. 

“Why are you doing this?” 

“Why not? I’m bored, I am dead, and you, Ryan, are pitiful. I thought I would have some fun. And to have fun with someone who knows my name? This is a wonderful game.” Claire’s laugh was starting to get annoying now. Ryan looked away from her and wiped away the tears on his face. “Don’t you get it, Ryan? I’m giving you a chance at happiness, but happiness and beauty always comes at a cost.” 

“What the fuck is that-” Ryan started, turning back to Claire. 

But she was gone. The seat that she once sat in was empty. There was no proof that she was ever there. Ryan glanced back down at his arm, where he pinched himself. 

There was still a little mark, the space where his fingernail had dug into his skin. This was about the only proof that he was going to get. 

_ But happiness and beauty always come at a cost _ , she had said. Shane came into his head, the Shane from this fake reality, the Shane that loved him. 

Ryan made the conscious decision to push all of this out of his mind- for tonight, at least. He quietly picked up the abandoned bottle that was rolling on the ground, and slipped back into the apartment. After disposing of the bottle, Ryan took his time turning off all of the lights that Shane had left on, and cleaning up any takeout boxes that they had left out. Ryan now had conflicting memories- a life with Shane, and one without. But the more he thought about the reality he was in, the hazier it got. He tried to stop thinking about it after that. He wasn’t sure of how much time had passed since Shane had left to go to bed, but Ryan was torn between wanting Shane to be asleep, and wanting him to be awake. He wanted to stay up with Shane, and do stupid cute couple shit like they had all day (and like how he had dreamed of doing for so long), but he didn’t want to fuck up and mix up the different realities. Claire wasn’t very helpful in explaining this whole situation, but that seemed to be the point. After he had stalled enough, Ryan finally made his way to the bedroom. He didn’t see any light from under the door, but that didn’t give him any hints. 

As he softly opened the door, Ryan made his choice once he saw Shane laying in bed, shirtless again, his eyes just fluttering shut. They opened again as Ryan crept into the room, and Shane leaned across and turned on the lamp.  _ This was the perfect time- half awake, half asleep. _

“Hey, baby,” Shane whispered, his voice already heavy with sleep. “Hurry up ‘n help warm me up.” Ryan smirked as he pulled his jeans off and slipped on some sweats. 

“That I can do. Turn off the light.” Shane leaned over again and turned the light off. Ryan climbed in bed next to Shane, feeling only a split second of hesitation. Once Shane gently reached out his hand to wrap around Ryan’s waist to pull him closer, every qualm that Ryan had melted away. 

“You are already warm.” Ryan said, pressing his face against Shane’s chest. He could feel Shane’s heartbeat going steadily. Their legs tangled in a way that felt so natural, so comfortable, Ryan silently mourned for the reality where he never would experience this. Shane huffed, but pressed a kiss to the crown of Ryan’s head. 

“Your feet are cold.” In response, Ryan quickly pressed his feet to Shane’s thighs, making Shane yelp. 

“Rude! Here I am, trying to be a loving boyfriend, and here you come and attack me.” Shane sounded more awake, but not upset by the fact. Ryan reached up and kissed Shane. Shane hummed into the kiss. “Just because- Mmfh- You kiss me- doesn’t make this better-” Shane said, kissing Ryan in between words. 

Ryan ignored him, relishing in the fact that he could just kiss Shane, and Shane would kiss back. “Honey, baby, sweetie-pie, sugar-” One more kiss. “I want to sleep, stop being so cute-” Another kiss. 

The darkness made it difficult to see Shane, but Ryan still knew where to find the faint freckles, where to find the curve of Shane’s never ending smile with his fingers, he knew where to find the secrets to the universe in Shane’s faces because he knew Shane’s face, he knew this man who was laying beside him, pressing little kisses to his jaw. 

And to think that there was a reality where none of this existed, where this never happened. How did Ryan ever survive?  

“I love you,” Ryan whispered. Shane didn’t answer, instead pressing their bodies closer together, and kissing him again. 

This type of intimacy was something that Ryan had never experienced in his reality. This, this was comfort. It was love, not lust- it was desire of the soul. It was every love poem written in a single small caress. It was every cliche that Ryan had scoffed at before, but now, he couldn’t imagine anything else. 

Shane’s fingers trailing delicately across Ryan’s back were like an anchor, pulling him back to earth, centering Ryan when he felt like he was flying. The warmth of his body was home to Ryan, covering him, comforting him. 

“I love you so much.” Ryan repeated. Shane pressed his forehead to Ryan’s. 

“I love you. More than words, more than actions. More than anything.” Ryan smiled at Shane’s response, and slid back down to his position so he could rest his head in the crook of Shane’s neck. Shane looped his arm around Ryan’s shoulders, and sighed, his eyes closing. “Goodnight, Ry.” 

Ryan looked one last time at Shane’s face. He tried to study it up close. Hopefully, he would wake up tomorrow, and this will all have been one weird dream. He would wake up tomorrow in the same position, without any memories of Claire, because she didn’t exist. 

“Goodnight Shane.” 

Ryan felt it as Shane’s breath even out, he watched as all emotion fell from his face. He watched as Shane fell asleep, and tried to stay awake. It was useless, though. Ryan could feel sleep edging up behind him, there was no fighting it. He pressed one featherlight kiss to Shane’s shoulder before letting sleep consume him. 

~*~

He was dreaming- this was a dream, it had to be. Ryan was in the basement of Kells yet again, but things were different. The room was completely empty. No crates in the corner, no dust or cobwebs, and no coffee table. 

Taking a few hesitant steps forward, Ryan surveyed the room. Would it really be a dream if he was aware that it was a dream? Judging by the weird shit that has been happening, who knew anymore. 

The only thing of the room that still was the same was the staircase. Ryan suppressed a shudder as he looked up the stairs, knowing what will happen- what has happened on those steps, in this room. 

“We are the same. That’s why I like you so much.” 

Ryan jumped, scared. Claire was standing behind him with the same clothes and the same smirk on her face. “Ryan, don’t you get it? We are so similar-”

“Shut up-” Ryan cut in. “Just shut up. Why are you doing this?” 

“Weren’t you listening earlier? Ry, we really need to work on your listening and communication skills.” Ryan grit his teeth, and resisted the urge to swing a punch at her. Too bad she was a literal fucking ghost. 

“Why-

“Do you want to stay?” Claire cut in. Everything went still, it felt like even the air went static. 

“What?” 

“You can stay in here, in this perfect world where all of your dreams have come true. You are with the man you love.” 

“Or?” 

“Or you can wake up in reality. Continue living.” Ryan sputtered, taking a few steps backwards. 

“Are you saying if I choose this world, I die in the real world?” 

“Terrible choice, isn’t it?” As Claire spoke, Ryan watched as the door at the top of the staircase opened. He stepped out of the way as Ryan from reality rushed down the stairs. This time, he was able to look away as the other him hit his head and fell to the floor. “There is really no right or wrong.” 

“Ryan!” Ryan found himself unable to look away as Shane came down the stairs and rushed to the unconscious man on the floor. He had already seen this all play out, but it was hard to look away. Ryan watched as Shane took the camera off of his body, as he turned his body ever so gently. 

“Ryan-” This was Claire, she was in front of him, snapping her fingers. “You don’t need to watch this. Listen to me.” She smirked, the corner of her mouth kicking up. “How many times do we need to talk about this?”

Behind her, Shane had located where the blood was coming from, and was pressing his hand against the open wound. “Ry, please, wake up, open your eyes-” Was that just an illusion, or was Shane crying? “Ryan, fuck,” The hand that wasn’t covering the wound gently moved Ryan’s hair out of his face before he reached into his back pocket to pull out his phone. 

“You need to make your choice!” Claire’s voice was shrill. Ryan was jerked back into attention. She didn’t seem pleased that all of Ryan’s attention was focused on the scene playing out behind her. “Make it! Don’t waste my time!” 

“None of this makes sense!” Ryan cried out, trying to see what was happening behind her, but also trying to make this decision. He could either stay, stay with Shane, the Shane who loves him, but he would know that it was fake. None of it would really be real, because he would be  _ dead _ in the real world. He could do this, or he could choose to live his real life. He could survive, but stay in a world where he isn’t with Shane, a world where Shane doesn’t love him, and chances were that Ryan would never get the guts to tell Shane how he truly feels. 

“Time is ticking away, Bergara.” It was the first time that Claire hadn’t referred to him by his first name, and it chilled him to the bone. “Choose.” 

“I- I can’t,” 

All laughter dropped from Claire’s face, and it dawned on Ryan that saying that might have been one of the wrong things to say. 

“Fine,” Claire’s voice got dangerously low. “If you refuse to choose, I guess I will make it for you.” Not giving Ryan a second to respond, she charged at him, her body moving incredibly fast as it rushed through Ryan. Ryan flinched, half expecting their bodies to collide. When she ran through Ryan, the sensation chilled his whole soul. It felt like ice- like he had suddenly been thrust into below 0 degree weather only in shorts and a t-shirt. 

Ryan uselessly rubbed at his arms with his hands, trying to generate some form of heat. Claire was nowhere to be seen, and a ringing in his ears had started. In front of him, Shane had just put his phone down, and brought his attention back to the still unconscious man who laid there in his lap. 

Ryan was rushed with a wave of dizziness, and his eyes focused. Whatever choice that Claire had made for him was being put into action now. With the new wave of being unsteady, it took Ryan a moment to realize that Shane was mumbling something. 

As his vision turned dark, Ryan tried to cling onto the memories of Shane laughing, memories of kissing Shane, the way that Shane’s heartbeat felt against Ryan’s cheek. He tried to remember the last thing he heard in his dream before waking up- Shane whispering to Ryan. 

“You can’t die, you can’t get hurt. Not here, not like this, not now… Not before-” 

Everything wavered out of control, and the world went dark once again. Ryan drifted off into nothingness, not knowing what was real anymore. 

~*~

Ryan ran his hands slowly over the rough bed sheets, trying to regain his senses. The bed that he was laying on wasn’t comfortable by any means, but Ryan let himself sink more into the pillows due to the aching pain in his head. 

_ What the fuck had just happened?  _ Memories were fleeting at this point, but he still had a steady enough collection of what had happened. Claire- she had created multiple realities and dragged him through them- this was all her game. Where was he now? What reality did she decide to force onto him? 

Ryan’s first attempt of opening his eyes did not go well. The harsh lights above him blinded him almost the moment that he opened his eyes. A pained gasp left his lips as the lights only intensified the headache in his mind, making the throbbing worse. 

The small noise that he made must have alerted someone to him being awake, because Ryan quickly heard light footsteps shuffling. His first thought was a hopeful ‘ _ Shane?’ _ but he quickly dashed away that thought, because Shane’s footsteps were much heavier- a combination of being a literal giant, and the confidence that came with being Shane Madej: ‘ _ Hey, I’m Shane, and I am confident in everything I do- especially when it involves making Ryan fall silently in even more love with me than he already is _ ’. 

The last thought caught Ryan off guard- his memories of being with Shane, being with him  _ romantically  _ in the other reality were becoming hazier. 

Before Ryan could consider what this meant, the source of the footsteps spoke up. “Ryan, honey, are you waking up?” The voice sounded female, and painstakingly familiar, but the throbbing in Ryan’s mind made it difficult to place who it belonged too, especially without looking at her. “Here, let me close the shades, it might be a lil’ bright.” There were more footsteps, and a noise of plastic scraping against metal which only lasted for a few moments. The room- Ryan could tell even from behind his eyelids- became considerably darker. Ryan already felt more awake than he had during his first eye opening attempt, so he decided to try again. 

This time, going much slower, Ryan let his eyes flutter open. Even though the lights above him were still on, the covered window did make a distance. The throbbing in his head stopped escalating, and stayed at the same, standard pain. 

“Wha-” Ryan’s voice was hoarse. His first thought was that he in the hospital, he knew that much. The smell of medicine, the smell of  _ clean _ , one that only hospitals can obtain was pungent. The second, and more annoying thought was ‘ _ Where’s Shane? _ ’. 

“You hit your head quite bad, dearie.” The voice came from the side of him, but the accent seemed like someone was trying to poorly do a Southern accent. Ryan squinted as he turned his head at an painstakingly slow pace. 

A thin woman in scrubs came into view. She was petite, but everything about her screaming familiarity. Ryan scrunched his nose, trying to remember, but the throbbing in his head bested him and he gave up. “Do you know where you are?” Ryan moved his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. 

“Vaguely. I am at a hospital, right?”  

“Virginia Mason Hospital.” The nurse confirmed. 

“Like Grey’s Anatomy?” Ryan noted how his voice slurred ever so slightly, how the words would slide from his throat, and out his mouth without any permission. His eyebrows knitted together as he tried to wake himself up more. 

The nurse- to her credit- didn’t laugh, but did move to the foot of Ryan’s bed so she could see him without having to move.  “Something like that, sure. You were knocked out pretty badly, hun, so we had to keep you overnight. How are you feelin’?” 

“Ugh,” 

“I should probably call your friend- he’s the one who called us in such a titz,” She giggled. “He really cares ‘bout you. You are lucky to have him for a friend,” 

_ She was talking about Shane.  _ “But I should call him-” The nurse moved over to the phone that was hanging on the wall. “He left his number with us, and told us about fifty times that if you wake up, if you move, if  _ anything  _ happens to call him.” The nurse giggled again, and Ryan offered a weak smile. “So, I guess we will do that. Shane, his name is-”

“Wait-” Ryan cut in, his voice cracking embarrassingly. The nurse turned to him, surprised. 

“You don’t want me to call him?” 

“I-I do, it’s just-”  _ It’s just that I don’t know which Shane I am going to face. It’s just that I am not ready to see him again. It’s just that I don’t know who I am, who he is anymore. It’s just that I still know that my stomach feels like it is turning inside out just at the mention of his name.  _

The nurse laughed again, her giggle getting increasingly more familiar and more annoying. He swore he knew her from somewhere, but couldn’t place her. 

“After hitting your head at that bar, you should really take your time. Let me call your friend.” 

Ryan started to protest, but her words hit him like a pile of bricks.  _ After hitting your head at that bar.  _

Kells. 

The choice had been made. 

He was back in his reality, the one that he knew. The one where Shane didn’t love him. Ryan let out a soft sigh, and whether it was a sigh of relief or disappointment was yet to be decided. 

With an almost audible whoosh of air, Ryan realized that he couldn’t remember what they had for breakfast. He could see himself, in an almost blurry vision, walking up to Shane, who was cooking something, but what did he cook? Was it eggs? Bacon? Some other completely different thing? 

“Hon?” The nurse’s voice jerked Ryan out of his thoughts. “How are you feelin’? Does your head hurt?”

Ryan nodded gently, reminded of the throb in his head. It was definitely better than it was only a few minutes ago, and Ryan could feel awareness creeping back into his mind. 

“Yeah,” Ryan croaked out. His voice was ragged, his throat was sore. Had he really been out for a whole day?

“You were. Your friend there paced back and forth all night until he had to leave.” The nurse confirmed. Ryan frowned, not realizing that he spoke the words out loud. At least, he didn’t think he did. But, then again, he just woke up after hitting his head pretty hard, so he could be saying anything right now and not register it.  _ Another reason of why I don’t want to see Shane at this moment in time.  _ “Oh, I am sorry, dearie. I forgot to introduce myself. I am nurse Dora,” She paused and snickered again, but Ryan couldn’t find what was funny. He felt awkward though, so he chuckled nervously. 

Just as Nurse Dora’s laughter died down, there was a smatter of loud ( _ familiar _ ) footsteps, and Shane Madej himself was standing in the doorway. 

Shane looked like, in short terms, like a fucking mess. He had perfected the art of throwing on whatever clothes he finds and making it look insanely good, but today he was wearing a hastily put on flannel and what looked like the same jeans from yesterday. The deep dark bags under his eyes said enough about how he was feeling. Ryan felt himself wanting to ask how much sleep Shane got last night, but the words wouldn’t come out.

He was holding his phone up to his ear, and was at the end of saying something along the lines of “Heard his laugh-” 

Shane cut himself off as he stepped into the room. He didn’t even seem to see the nurse, as his eyes found Ryan almost instantly. 

“ _ Ry _ ,” He breathed out, and then spoke back into the phone again. “I’ll have to call you back. We can talk later- yeah- bye.” He quickly hung up and shoved his phone haphazardly into his back pocket. “Ryan, how are you feeling?” Shane walked further into the room, and still ignored the nurse. He moved right past her, not giving any sign of acknowledgement of the nurse. She didn’t seem surprised, but Ryan couldn’t focus on her too long when Shane was right there in front of him, smiling gently. His smile showed every emotion that he was feeling- fear, happiness, exhaustion. 

“I am going to leave you two to it.” Nurse Dora said. Ryan dragged his eyes away from Shane to nod softly at her, but when he turned back to look at Shane, he realized that Shane never changed his expression- it was like he never heard her. 

Ryan looked back over at the nurse who was making her way out of the room, and suddenly drew the connection. 

She looked just like Claire. 

“Do you need water?” Shane’s voice was soft, like he was speaking to a child, but instead of being bothered by it, Ryan felt himself relax slightly. 

Ryan realized that water was exactly what he needed. He nodded, opening his mouth to form all of the words that he wanted to say but couldn’t.  _ He couldn’t remember what he did with Shane in the other reality. They spent a whole day together, right? Why couldn’t he remember? The whole experience was becoming hazy.  _

Shane grabbed a small cup and filled it with the bottle of water that was sitting on the table next to Ryan’s bed. He handed it to Ryan gently, who immediately moved to sit up further, forgetting the whole reason he was in there. 

Another pained grunt left Ryan’s lips as his head spun, and he distantly heard Shane freak out. Ryan let his eyes slip shut as he tried to get a hold on the sudden pain. 

“Ryan? Ry? Fuck-”

“Shane, I’m fine,” Ryan spoke through gritted teeth, propped up on his elbows so he could use his hands to massage his temples. “Just moved a bit too fast,” 

“Fuck, here, I can move the bed up-” Ryan can hear Shane shuffling around, and then the head of the bed started to move up, lifting Ryan with it. Ryan opened his eyes again, and grabbed the small cup that Shane was offering to him. 

_ He couldn’t remember what happened when he woke up in the other… The other reality. Was it another reality? It was becoming so hazy, and it was so hard to try to remember.  _

As Ryan took a small sip of the water, he became well aware with the way that Shane was staring at them. 

“Fuck-” Shane sure did curse a lot, but this seemed to be the new record. “I should press that call nurse button.” Ryan wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he simply nodded, taking another sip. “How do you feel? I- I mean, shitty question, I know-”

_ He’s nervous _ , Ryan realized. 

“Uh-” Now it was Ryan’s turn to stutter. “My head hurts?” 

Shane let out a laugh that was too much of a nervous wheeze to ever be considered a laugh. 

“I bet. You hit your head on the coffee table at Kells, do you remember?” Ryan nodded, but stared into the cup so he wouldn’t have to look at Shane anymore. 

“Kind of. I mean, I remember going down to the basement, but nothing after that. I assume I tripped on the staircase like an idiot?” He was trying to joke, and gave a half smile for emphasis. Shane smiled back, gently, but they both knew that it wasn’t that funny. 

Shane finally pressed the button to call a nurse, and as Ryan finally looks into his eyes, he sees the fading memory of the same man whispering how much he loves him. 

Unexpectedly, Ryan was rushed with a wave of emotion. He ripped his eyes away from Shane, trying to remember what he was just thinking about. It felt like his heart was being ripped out from his chest, but he couldn’t find the source of this agony- there was nothing in his memories. 

“Sha-”

“Ry-” Shane began to say at the same time that Ryan did, and they both stopped. The words felt stilted. There were so many things that Ryan wanted to say, more than ever, but he didn’t know how to form the words. 

Before either of them could say anything, a nurse entered the room. It wasn’t the nurse from before (even though Ryan can’t seem to have a clear memory of her but that was only at the fault of Ryan who had just woken up, he was in no state of remembering anything), but this nurse seemed delighted to see that Ryan had woken up. 

She called the doctor, and Ryan silently let himself be examined, only speaking when he was asked a direct question. He tried hard not to look at Shane who was standing awkwardly in the corner, but every time his eyes moved over there, Shane was staring right back at him, with his stupid puppy dog eyes look. 

After what seemed like hours of inspection, the doctor deemed Ryan safe enough to go home. 

“Just don’t let him sleep all day- wake him up, engage him in a conversation every few hours if he sleeps. And you should stay in Seattle for at least one more day, going on a plane right away could be stressful right after all of this.” The doctor told Shane, speaking like Ryan wasn’t even in the room. Shane was absorbing all of this, nodding, and asking the occasional question. Ryan, on the other side of the room, was working on standing up and getting into his shoes. 

“You need to use a wheelchair,” A nurse said, rolling a wheelchair into the room. “Sorry, it is hospital policy.” She shrugged apologetically, but Ryan didn’t object, slowly walking over to her before lowering himself down on the chair. He could feel Shane’s gaze on his back, but chose to ignore it. 

Even amid the doctors and nurses filtering through the room, there was a tension, a awkwardness between the two men. Ryan’s plan to deal with this was to ignore it, or at least until they made it to the hotel. Then Ryan would sleep. 

It wasn’t the most solid plan, but Ryan didn’t want to think about any of the other options (like actually talking to Shane). 

After signing all of the papers, Shane slowly pushed the wheelchair that Ryan was sitting in out the hospital, and to the parking lot. They talked briefly, short, clipped sentences about meaningless things such as the basketball game that Ryan missed, and how it rained. The silence wasn’t an angry one. It was more of a thoughtful ‘I don’t know what to say to you after everything that has happened because I am worried that I will slip up and confess my love for you’ type of silence. Or maybe that was just Ryan. 

Shane offered to help Ryan get into their rental car, but Ryan thought of the consequences- close contact, having Shane’s hands on his body, having him  _ that close  _ to him- and declined. 

After watching Ryan struggle with this for a few minutes, Shane decided to help anyway. Ryan’s breath stuttered as he felt Shane help maneuver the wheelchair so Ryan could get into the carseat. The air outside was just cool enough that Ryan could see his breath, but hearing Shane breathing right beside him, seeing the white puff of air every time Shane would huff- Ryan didn’t know how much longer he could take this.  _ Just make it to the hotel.  _

Ryan stared out of the window throughout the car, leaving Shane to nervously tap his fingers on the steering wheel, in tune to the music. 

“Did you have to carry all of the cameras to the car after I…?” Ryan let himself trail off, not knowing how to phrase his question, and pretended to not notice how Shane stiffened. 

“Uh- yeah. After I called the ambulance, and they had taken you to the hospital, I wanted to go with them, but we still had all of our shit here. So I loaded up the car, dropped everything off at the hotel room, and went to the hospital. They wouldn’t let me see you at first, but once your heart had stabilized and stuff, you were just sleeping.”

“My heart was unstable?” 

That got Shane to look at him, taking his eyes off of the road momentarily so he could look sideways at Ryan. Ryan kept his eyes focused on the sky, observing all of the tall buildings that resided in downtown Seattle. 

“Yeah. The doctor didn’t tell you that?” Ryan paused, but then let a small smirk pull up the corners of his mouth. 

“The doctor could have told me that he was pregnant with my child and I wouldn’t have heard him. There was a lot of things going on all of the sudden,” Ryan joked, and felt a small burst of pride when Shane laughed. 

“He didn’t say that, I don’t think.” Shane responded, and Ryan felt some of the tension melt away. “But there were a couple of times where your heartbeat would either slow down really suddenly, or your heartbeat would start going really fast.”

“Oh.” 

“It only did that a few times, and by the time that I had to leave, it had stopped.” Shane came to a stop at a red light, and took that as an opportunity to turn in his seat so he could face Ryan. Ryan still wouldn’t look at him, but when he felt Shane’s fingers nudging at his arm, he gave him a quick glance. “Hey. I’m really glad you are alright.” Ryan gave him a small smile, and nodded. 

“Me too.” 

“We are almost at the hotel, how about we just relax for the rest of the day? We can watch shitty horror movies, if you want.” Shane offered, moving back so he was facing the front. Ryan nodded distractedly, the throbbing in his head going down to a minimum, only to spike suddenly. Ryan made a startled pained noise, reaching up to rub his temples again. “You okay?” Shane sounded relatively calm, but he didn’t miss the underlying panic in his best friend’s words. 

“Fine,” Ryan said through gritted teeth. “The pain comes and goes.” 

“I can get you some more painkillers at the hotel,” 

“Okay.” 

The car ride only lasted another few more minutes. Once they pulled into the hotel parking lot, Shane all but scrambled to get out of the car, and rushed to the other side before Ryan could even think about getting out. He swung open the door, and held out his hand towards Ryan. 

Ryan looked at the hand that was being offered to him, then at Shane’s smiling face, and then back at the hand.

He took the hand. 

Shane smiled even brighter, and gently pulled Ryan out of the car. Without words, he slung Ryan’s arm around his own shoulders, and after locking the car, helped Ryan walk into the hotel. 

It was awkward for sure, with Shane being a literal giant, and Ryan not being as tall. Ryan tried as hard as he could to walk, but every ten steps he would stumble, and Shane would only tighten his grip around Ryan’s waist. 

The close contact did nothing good for Ryan. He felt more lightheaded than before, and like the only thing he wanted to do was stay in Shane’s arms for the rest of his life. 

It did nothing good- nothing good at all. 

It took them much too long to get to the hotel room, leaving Ryan exhausted. His head wasn’t hurting badly anymore, but he felt exhausted from both the whole ordeal, and from being this close to Shane without going crazy.  

“I’m going to go to the bathroom-” Shane started after unlocking the door. “You just lay down, and I can try and find a movie or something.” Ryan nodded, and slowly made his way to the single queen sized bed in the hotel room. 

He took off his shoes, going as slowly as possible. Ryan took his time with each individual knot, and loosened it much more than it needed to be before sliding the sneakers off. Even though Shane said to, Ryan hesitated on getting into the bed just yet. So many things had happened, but along with everything that Ryan remembered, he felt like he was missing a chunk of something. Something in his memory was gone, something-

“You really scared me there,” Shane cut in. Ryan turned around, startled. Shane was looking steadfastly at Ryan, but his face read a million different emotions. “All I saw was you falling, and then I heard this awful crash.” 

Ryan stood up, and walked over to the taller man. Shane watched him move silently, his face an unreadable mixture of emotions. It was moments like this that Ryan wished that he could read Shane’s mind. He got much closer than he intended to, thanks to his still-not-completely-there feet stumbling over themselves. Shane reached out and steadied Ryan before he fell, but it left the two nearly chest-to-chest with each other. 

Neither of them moved. 

“I-I didn’t know what had happened to you, and I couldn’t find where all of the blood was, and  _ Christ, Ryan,  _ there was a lot of fucking blood.” Ryan didn’t know how to form words when they were this close, much less respond to what Shane was saying. 

_ I want to kiss him _ , Ryan realized with a startle. They were so close, all he would have to do is simply reach up and do it. “I didn’t-” Shane continued. “I didn’t want anything to happen to you before I had-”  _ I really want to kiss him.  _ Maybe it was just the medicine that the doctors had given him, but with Shane this close, he felt almost invincible. “Before-” Ryan couldn’t focus on what Shane was saying because he was entranced by Shane’s lips. They looked so soft, and Ryan wished that he could see Shane smile from this small distance.  _ I am going to kiss him-  _

Ryan heard a distant “fuck it”, and suddenly,  _ Shane  _ was kissing  _ him.  _

The kiss wasn’t good by any means- Shane nearly knocked Ryan over at first, and their teeth clacked together. That didn’t stop them, because Shane’s mouth was hot on Ryan’s lips. To avoid falling over, Ryan quickly looped his arms around Shane’s neck, keeping him both stable, and bringing them closer together. Shane’s arms snaked around his hips, and suddenly they were clinging to each other like they were each other's life line. 

The kiss was messy, it was warm, it was passionate. Ryan unhappily broke away from it first, gasping for air. He assumed his eyes were as wide as Shane’s were, but neither of them let go of each other. 

When Ryan had finally caught his breath again, he let out a small chuckle, wheezing slightly. He pressed his forehead gently to Shane’s chest, not wanting to break away. 

Shane pressed went tense as Ryan moved, but relaxed as Ryan listened to Shane’s heartbeat. 

“I- I’m sorry,” Shane started. “I didn’t mean to just kiss you-” He started to pull away from the embrace, and Ryan let him, but cut him off. 

“Don’t be. I- uh- I wanted to- erm- kiss you.” He responded awkwardly. He watched as the words registered on Shane’s face. 

“Oh! Oh, um-” Shane’s face was flushing, his cheeks becoming more pink by the second. 

“Uh- could we try again?” Ryan meekly suggested, and Shane looked relieved. He leaned down and placed a much gentler kiss on Ryan’s lips, to which he happily reciprocated. 

They stood like that for a few minutes- just kissing. This time, it was Shane’s turn to pull away. 

“I need to say this. Ryan, when you fell, my biggest worry was that you were going to die, or something horrible was going to happen so that I would never be able to tell you how I feel. Ryan, I,” Shane let out a breathless chuckle. “I really care about you. You can probably gather from what just happened that I want to be with you. I want to be there to protect you, and not just from ghouls-” Ryan was smiling so hard he thought his face was going to fall off. “-But from anything and everything. I want to take you out on cheesy dates, I want to make you breakfast in the morning. Ryan, I want to be with you.” 

There was a beat of silence as all of this registered in Ryan’s mind, and he mentally filed away every single word that Shane was saying for later. He then pulled Shane down for one more kiss, trying to convey into the simple act of pressing lips together everything that he wanted to say. 

_ I feel the same way- always have, always will. I love you, I love you. I want to be with you.  _

Unfortunately, the moment was over when he felt his knees getting weak again. Ryan pulled away from the kiss as he felt his body start to sag. Thankfully, Shane noticed this and tightened his grip around Ryan’s waist. 

“Here,” He grunted, and helped Ryan back over to the bed. Ryan gratefully got in, sliding his hand down so he was still holding Shane’s hand. Shane started to walk away, much to the disapproval of Ryan. He chuckled at Ryan’s pout, and continued to walk away. “I’m only grabbing the tv remote,” 

After locating the channel guide and the remote, Shane climbed in on the other side, and moved next to Ryan. He started to put his arm around Ryan’s shoulders, but hesitated. Ryan noticed this and moved closer to Shane, telling Shane without words,  _ it’s okay.  _

“We- we should talk about what this means,” Shane started. Ryan could feel himself start to get sleepy again, but forced his eyes open for a few moments more. “I mean, we can’t just leave it like this- Ry, I already did my speech, but everything I said was true. I want to be with you. And I am going to take a wild guess here and assume that you like me too, or at least something like that.” 

“I’m not sure,” Ryan started. When he heard Shane’s breath catch, he hastily continued. “Not with how I feel about you, that is one thing that I know for sure. I really like you. Like, really really.” Shane snorted, and Ryan weakly jabbed Shane in the side. 

“How eloquent. You like like me?” 

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan mumbled. “I just know that I want to kiss you, and that I really want to go out to dinner with you sometime.” Shane laughed, and finally ( _ finally _ ) put his arm around Ryan. “Mm’ gonna fall asleep.” Ryan stated, letting his eyes shut. 

“Okay. I will have to wake you up in a few hours though. Doctor’s orders.” Shane pointed out, but Ryan gave a small shrug and burrowed closer to the taller (and warmer) man. 

“Mmkay.” Ryan pressed his face into Shane’s rib cage, focusing on Shane’s heartbeat. It was steady, and provided a sense of comfort that was so desperately needed right now. 

As Ryan fell asleep, he thought about the past day. While he wasn’t entirely sure of what happened, he’s pretty damn content with how it all ended up. And when Shane pressed a light kiss to the crown of Ryan’s head, he knew that it would end up alright. 

One last thought occurred to Ryan, and he nudged Shane with his elbow. 

“Hey.” 

“Yeah?” Ryan’s voice was muffled through the layers of blankets, but he didn’t bother moving. 

“Once we go home, you better take me out for a nice dinner to make up for these last years of pining I have had to go through.” 

Shane laughed out loud, shaking the bed. Ryan smirked, but that turned into a soft hum as Shane gently traced shapes on Ryan’s arm with his fingers. 

“Of course." 

**Author's Note:**

> all of the historical stuff was real!! kells is an actual place, claire was an actual girl who went with her sister to go get the "beautiful treatment" !!   
> leave a comment or kudo to let me know what you think!


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